“I need some food inside, my stomach mumblin’. I’ll take a Kahuna Burger with no onion.”

And I’m convinced that there is no greater high, than having people enjoy and UNDERSTAND your work. None. I had never been so happy.

And I also immediately understood why people sell out.

Now I dislike artists who don’t take risks. The nice term for them is crowd pleasers, but often times panderers is just as accurate. If you’re good, you’re good and no one can take that away from you, but you can’t be great until you break out of the mold a little. Shake things up. Now my piece is not particularly innovative or different. It’s actually pretty standard filmmaker fare, but there are little small risks taken. But what immediately occurred to me while I was in that high of people really liking your work, was how do I get this feeling back. And the easy answer is not making something else good. It’s making something else that people will like.

And as much as I hate art that tries simply to please people, and could only previously conceptualize why people would do it, the microscopic degree of success I achieved already had me ready to sell out. It really is a tiny success, there isn’t even money involved. I mean I honestly, deep down, thought I was better than that. I thought I had the integrity and mental fortitude to brush off any notion of pandering, but I immediately became aware that that was not the case. I mean really, I’m fucked. Because the fact that I feel the need to write about this when the success is SOOOOO small means that when it really is a big success with money on the table, I’m just gonna bend over and whore myself out.

It’s not good, and I don’t really know what to do about it.

However, about a week ago, I was met with  another small success that made me feel a little better. One of my friends asked me to appear on his rap album. As I think I’ve said before I write and freestyle for fun but I’ve never taken it seriously. My friend is quite serious about it though, and quite dope so I was very flattered. However the topic he asked me to write on was borderline offensive. I tried to play it safe with my verse, but he really went for it, and if I didn’t go hard I was gonna look like a pussy. So I went in, still not as much as the others on the track, but I went in. The song was released a little while ago, and has more downloads than this guy has ever had on a song before. The response has been pretty great, although most people’s reaction is something along the lines off, “Dope, but damn that’s fucked up.” I’ve had friends sing it to me, and a request for a ringtone. Supposedly, somehow in some small capacity, it’s even spread to France.

And I feel kinda horrible about it. I mean it’s not keeping me up at night or anything, but I can’t listen to the song anymore, and I don’t like talking about it. Part of it is I don’t think I sound good on the track, the delivery is very monotone and doesn’t reflect my personality. People have said they like my delivery and were surprised I could even rap in the first place, but I’m pretty unsatisfied. Mostly however, it’s the subject matter. The song revolves around making fun of a group of people that can’t really defend themselves, and I feel pretty bad about that. I can’t pretend like my boy’s verse isn’t funny or that I haven’t laughed at other things that take aim at the group in the past, but I never thought I would be the one doing it. The irony is though, that I’m a little comforted by the fact that I’m not geeked about all the hits the songs getting. It’s basically garnered the same small level of success that my short film has, but I’m actually upset by the success as opposed to high of it.

And it’s because I’m not proud of the song.

I’m just as passionate about hip hop as I am about film (although only one do I actually think I have any talent in), but the fact of the matter is that high that I felt from my short film screenings came from making a piece that I was wholly proud of. And the praise that I’m getting from the song isn’t satisfying because I don’t feel that it is my best work. So while I may have the makings of a media whore, I can take solace knowing that that high only comes from making a piece that you really put your heart and soul into. And not something you made just to drum up controversy or attract attention.

Does that mean I’m not a whore, addicted to praise and adulation of my work and willing to do whatever to get it. No. I definitely am. But it does mean that I’m a whore, addicted to praise and adulation of my good work. Work that I’m proud of. And I do think that’s enough to keep my from selling out.

Hopefully.

“Hard to believe that my heart, my heart’s an open door. You got all you came for, baby.”

seriously…?

“I’ll crush up your skull like a truck that you crashed in. I’m never gonna die like I’m Tuck Everlasting.”

“Now I’m trapped in limbo with your golden fist symbol, you see the soul? Use my eyes for a window.”

So I tried to figure it out. It was hard. It took me a very long time.

For the cast, I tried to stay away from movie stars. Will Ferrell, Chris Rock,  and Jim Carrey would be obvious choices, but I feel like that’s too easy. And filling a show with movie stars just feels like it’s missing the point. I want it to have a ensemble feel, so I tried to stick to television stand outs. Also, any comedians were fair game, but they had to have some documented sketch or improv experience. I also put a big emphasis on diversity. I hate how so much of comedy seems to be segregated, so I kind of went out of my way to represent a range of cultures.

So with no further ado, here’s my Ultimate Sketch Show Cast.

Dave Chappelle

So the last great sketch comedy show on television was Chappelle’s Show. No question. And Dave’s enigmatic departure from the show made him more of a star than the show did, it seems to me. He sure as hell wasn’t gonna be on Oprah before that. I mention this because Dave may seem like to big of a star to be on an ensemble show, but I don’t really think so. Plus, he’s been out the game for a minute now.

But really, none of that matters. Because we’re talking about the funniest motherfucker on the planet. Chappelle’s Show is a testament to that. And the fact that the majority of that show was improvised is incredible. But what is really great about Chappelle is how on point his comedy is. He is able to make really biting social commentary, without sacrificing the funniness. And that’s what really makes him my favorite comedian. But you don’t need to be insightful to be funny. And he has no problem, just being funny. In fact he almost revels in juvenile humor.  For example:

Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman is pretty well known for her stand up and her won Coemdy Central show The Sarah Silverman Program, but she actually was on SNL for one season, and the HBO sketch show Mr. Show, so she’s got some sketch experience. On our show she’s the the hot chick, or more accurately the cute one. Sarah’s whole appeal is based upon her foul-mouthed antics being delivered in a cutesy naive fashion. And it works. In this way she’s also a perfect compliment to Dave Chappelle, in that they both enjoy attacking social mores with overly juvenile humor.  She would have fit right in on Chappelle’s show.

Jimmy Fallon

Before being known as the host of Late Night, Fallon was the SNL heartthrob who half the audience loved because he couldn’t keep a straight face, and half the audience hated because he couldn’t keep a straight face. He is less well-remembered for his abilities as an impressionist, which is the biggest reason he’s on my cast. There are lots of comedians who can do funny impressions (like Chappelle), and a lot of accurate impressions who’s impressions themselves are funny. But Jimmy Fallon is skilled impressionist who’s also genuinely funny, and the ladies will love him when he puts on charm.  Check out this brilliant impression:

Wanda Sykes

Another comedienne known mainly for her standup, but Wanda Sykes big break came as part of the sketch cast on The Chris Rock Show. Although she could easily be dismissed as the sassy black woman of the cast, Wanda’s got a little more dimension to her. She’s political, gay, and makes the ultimate straight man (irony). With all of the other absurd and animated cast members, Wanda would fit in nicely as the dry, sarcastic, and reasonable voice of the show. But she can still be silly, if the need arises.

David Cross

Probably best known as Tobias on Arrested Development, David Cross was also one of the founder of HBO’s Mr. Show, so he’s got some sketch cred. Cross is our cranky old guy. His stand up mostly consists of bitter rants on politics and society, but he seems more comfortable playing wide-eyed, blissfully naive adults. I like him because of the lack of irony in his idiotic characters, and his abilities as a physical comic that I feel often go unnoticed. Here’s a gem from Mr. Show.

Aziz Ansari

Ansari has recently broken into the public spotlight with his role as Tom Haverford on Parks and Recreation. However he first began making waves with the hip young crowd as part of the sketch trio Human Giant on Mtv.  And that’s pretty much why Ansari is here. He’s the hippest young dude, around. His constant pop culture references and cool, yet dorky appeal are sharp and endearing. And I don’t feel like there are many comics who can do more with less. The way Ansari can turn a simple phrase or a quick verbal jab into pure comedy is unparalleled. There’s something about his sarcastic delivery that just works. There’s nothing that exemplifies this better than RAAAAAAAANDY, the stand up parody he created for the movie Funny People.

Kenan Thompson

The current SNL star is slowly solidifying himself as one the must watch cast members, but I became a fan from his adolescent tenure on Nickelodeon’s sketch show All That. His characters like Ishboo and Pierre Escargot, were cultural icons for the thirteen and under crowd when I was growing up. While most of the other All That cast has fallen off, Kenan has flourished. He know brings the same silly, over the top, random humor to SNL. In the same way Aziz can milk so much comedy out of a word delivery, Kenan can do with a simple gesture, or a look. I hate to say it but its almost minstel-y, but in a good way (if that exists). But his work is above all silly, just like it was on all that, and on one can make me laugh at stupid stuff more than Kenan. Like this:

Will Sasso

There was a time in the early 2000′s when the now cancelled MadTv was consistently funnier than SNL. That time was brief but the biggest reason for that (no pun intended) was Will Sasso. He had quite a number of mediocre but hilarious impressions, but his true strength was his physical comedic abilities. The man is just a huge mass of ridiculous mannerisms and cartoonish movement. Watching him walk across a stage was hilarious. His most famous impersonation is probably his druken redneck interpretation of Kenny Rogers. Check it out.

Kerri Kenney-Silver

One of the founding members of the very influential sketch show The State, I’m familiar with Kenney-Silver from Reno 911! and the movie Role Models. Honestly, I’m not too familiar with her sketch work but her improvisational ability, which is on full display on Reno 911!, is amazing. Her incredibly weird character Trudy Wiegel is the show stand out but she’s shown range outside of that character in her movie roles. But really it’s the straight-faced lunacy that escapes from her mouth, when she’s left to riff on her own which makes her a must for the show. Here is a pretty funny clip form her time on The State.

Oscar Nunez

Now Nunez has not been a part of a proper sketch show, but he does have a good amount of improv experience. He’s a regular on the Office and has had substantial roles on Reno 911! and Comedy Central’s Halfway Home, which he also produced. Lately he’s been getting even more notoriety for his portayal of Ramon, in this summer’s romcom the Proposal. And he’s the funniest thing in it. I couldn’t tell you exactly what makes Oscar so funny.  It’s got something to do with the wholesome nice guy appeal he brings to all his roles, and how he can take terribly absurd characters and somehow make them human. But it was perfect for when he played the deceptive villain in Reno 911!.

Kailtin Olson

Pretty much an unknown before It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia struck gold a few years back, Kaitlin Olson however was a regular on the very-short lived “The Sketch Show” on Fox, so she’s got some sketch chops. However it’s on Always Sunny that’s she been able to shine and become the most lovable bitch in America. The Sketch influence can still be seen in a lot in her work since her character Sweet Dee is a wannabe actress, who has a couple characters that she likes to perform like a retard, Crazy Paddy or Martina Martinez. However she doesn’t do stand up. This is why:

Nick Swardson

Swardson is another one with no sketch show experience, but h’es been in many a sketch like internet video, and he’s been a mainstay on Reno 911! since the beginning, so the improv ability is there. Plus he has also built for himself probably the most memorable of all the Reno 911! guests stars in Terry, the roller skating gay prostitute. To put it simply, Nick Swardson is a frat boy. And as much as I may hate frat boys, I love their comedy. Swardson’s comedy comes almost completely out of drinking, smoking and gay jokes. Fortunately I find all of these things funny.

Charlyne Yi

Probably the least visible of any of the cast members, Charlyne Yi doesn’t really have any sketch credit because she’s barely been in anything. But she’s probably best known for having the best lines in the film Knocked Up. It seems to me she’s got a reputation as a comedian’s comedienne, and her recent starring role in the quasi documentary Sundance favorite Paper Heart helped cement her indie status. She hasn’t gotten much exposure in the typical comedic channels because she’s so wonderfully weird, but she is funny, and quite unpredicatable. Push comes to shove, she can be conventional though. Like in this straightforward parody:

And to handle the Newsdesk… Jon Stewart

Sadly, Jon Stewart is now one of the most trusted names in news. It’s not sad because he’s bad, but it’s sad because The Daily Show is not news. But it is very good comedy. So it’s really quite the no-brainer that he would handle the news portion of the sketch show.  His sharp, and unyielding political wit does more than simply crack jokes about what’s going on, they show how much of the political system is a joke.

Now, I don’t know if all these great comedic minds will actually be able to mesh on screen. Or for that matter, even sit in a room together without immediately wanting to murder each other. These cast members have vastly different styles, and many are probably used to calling the shots. So to oversee the gargantuan undertaking of giving this show direction and a cohesive feel, and managing all those egos, I’ve enlisted a performer who got his start as a writer.

The Head Writer/Showrunner: Conan O’Brien

Conan’s hilarious, and he wrote for SNL and the Simpsons during their heydays. More importantly Conan comes from an improv background, something that he made frequent use of on Late Night, and he continues to use as the new host of the Tonight Show. That improv-centric approach to comedy will serve this cast very well, as most of them are probably at their best just riffing. And if you need any further evidence Conan can command a group of young talent, just watch this:

I would like to believe that as true comedic artists they would be able to identify their comedic strengths and play to each others style and create a weekly cornucopia of laughs. But I ain’t that naive.  They probably wouldn’t work well together. But, fuck it. I think these are like some of the funniest motherfuckers around. And it’s never gonna actually happen so I’m just gonna assume it could work, even though I know it probably wouldn’t.

But how fuckin’ dope would it be if it did work?

“She said I love you, that’s why I do this eye to eye. Kissed me on the cheek then she whispered, ‘This the last time’.”

I mean, I’m happy one of my favorite shows is back on the air, but let’s be real: it shouldn’t be. Last year ended with a big finale called “My Finale”, where they even did the whole montage clip show thing. It was a good ending, but it didn’t end. The show returned to ABC with more than half the cast gone, and a bunch of new cute medical interns.

And honestly, it’s not bad. The episodes that have aired so far have still had J.D., Turk and Dr. Cox so it’s hard to go wrong with that (but I SERIOUSLY miss me some Carla), and most of the new cast members, who are playing the students to the elder Scrubs teachers, are pretty good. (Cole is a favorite of mine) But there’s one big problem.

Lucy.

The new cast member that’s been positioned to replace J.D. when Braff finally does leave the show is a cute, young blonde whose been splitting voice over time with Braff. And she sucks. She’s not charming. She’s not interesting. And worst of all, she’s not funny. And she’s the new voice of the show.

Now I’ve always said J.D. was one of the least funny characters in Scrubs. He’s kind of like Vince in Entourage, he’s the facilitator of everyone else’s madness, but he himself isn’t quite as captivating. But what makes J.D. So important to Scrubs is that it’s his warped sense of humor and four color view of the world that we all view all of the other characters view. These other characters wouldn’t even exist if he weren’t looking though J.D.’s eyes.

Now Lucy, has none of the idiosyncracies or fantasy inducing cartoonish world view that informed the first eight years of Scrubs. The worst parts of the episodes so far have been her fantasies which come off as quite forced, and frankly stereotypical. So far her fantasies have involved her falling in love with Lorenzo Lamas and her idiosyncracies include loving horses. So basically she’s every white girl ever. She’s also been having trouble taking the pressure of being a doctor, sleeping with a cute boy which she regrets later, and crying. They couldn’t have made a more cookie cutter character, safe, shitty character. And on top of that the actress, Kerry Bishe, adds absolutely nothing to the character. Granted she doesn’t have anything to work with, but a better actress could at least add some depth to the voice overs.

So who do I blame for this? It’s easy. Disney.

Last year Scrubs moved to the Disney owned ABC from the only TV network that seems to building winning comedies anymore, NBC. Something was immediately different, and Lucy is the end result of that transition. Lucy is a Disney princess. She’s pretty, innocent, naive, and weak. And unfortunately, for most American women, incredibly relatable if not aspirational. It makes complete sense for a company that has banked on these kind of characters for years to believe that that’s exactly what a show that’s always been on the cusp of greatness to need. But they couldn’t be more wrong.

What made Scrubs so enjoyable was the fact that the characters were so offbeat, and yet we knew them. They were the people that everyone knew but never saw on TV. And the really crazy part was the revelation that these are the people that we trust with our lives.

But Disney fucked that all up. It’s OK though, Scrubs had 8 great years and a very respectable sendoff. But I swear to God, if Disney pulls this shit with Marvel, I’ma start shootin’.

“That FOI, Marcus Garvey, Nicky Tesla. I’ll shock you like an eel electric, feel Jay Electra.”